Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
