her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
