Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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