yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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