just tell him i said nine months
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
