please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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