I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
