My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
