am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize