If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
