mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
