i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
