I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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