Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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