Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
