If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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