listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
you made out with another girl for some wings
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
