im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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