im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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