Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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