I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
