I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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