Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize