shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
