Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It's shark week go big or go home
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
