I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
