Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
