I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize