She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
