One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
