in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
