i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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