why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize