this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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