paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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