Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
