No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Brb crying the tears of my youth
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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