i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
we're so committed to being not committed
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
