it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
