Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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