Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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