i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
