God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
