two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize