It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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