i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize