I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
