She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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