Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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