I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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