I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize