my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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