she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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