Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
