If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
