Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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