Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
