Don't make out with my wife yet
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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