apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
