Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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