He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
