my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
