It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
