There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
