I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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