Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
